"I Don't Know"

It's been a roller coaster ten days for everyone - me, my family, many members of our close community - and the entire world. The COVID-19 virus has escalated and will definitely be one of the most historical global crisis ever. And we are just at the cusp of what is to come over the next several weeks.

I'm normally not a frustrated person. "Decisive." "Focused." "Committed." "Relentless." I'm sure my husband could add a few other select descriptors. But these adjectives are a large part of my DNA - what drives me, moves me, assists me in my decisions, my accomplishments.

I, like many of you, have found myself waking up in the middle of the night, waiting for some daily news, anxious to hear something definitive. Not that I have a high level of personal fear or anxiety over this invisible monster, but dealing with something that is unseen with no track record lends to not having tools, experience and knowledge for the most basic of decisions.

Yesterday I realized this has caused me the most stress and anxiety out of all:

"I DON'T KNOW."

I don't know what the best decisions are: should my kiddo quit work so he's not exposed; should I have quit work so I wasn't exposed (which, btw, was eventually taken care of for me as I was laid off like 100's of other individuals in the Austin hospitality industry ;-)

Should anyone at all visit my mom? Should just family visit my mom? If I visit my friends, is there a possibility they touched a door handle that exposed them? Is it okay to pass through my mom's kitchen and sit at the table to visit her, or should we all stop in the kitchen? If I wipe the counter off with disinfectant every hour, what happens if the predator is dropped on it sometime within the hour and someone else touches it? Will my son get to walk for his senior high school year graduation sometime THIS year? Will our "first born" have to move all of his items out of his dorm in Arizona or will his extended spring break with us and three pairs of underwear keep extending? Will my husband's marine dealership be okay at the end of this? Can our outdoor work out group work out spread out over 1/2 acre and not touch, share or invade space?

I DON'T KNOW.

And it is driving me crazy. I'm a concrete gal. I can make decisions quickly - make them now and ask forgiveness later. This gal is a moving train. Don't get in her way. But now - I Don't Know.

I'm stuck. In Time. In my path. In this journey of life. I haven't made a solid decision in days! It's like "groundhog day". When will it change?

I DON'T KNOW.

So today, after getting laid off yesterday; after watching sweet, sweet co-workers file into the conference room by department awaiting their final fate; after watching co-worker after co-worker pack up their personal effects from their offices and load them up in their cars; after my senior son confessing to me that he may never see his high school again or get to say goodbye to those "sometimes" friends that you might never see again; after trying to figure out how to make my son's 21st birthday a "big deal" with just ten or fewer friends, without a restaurant, bar or birthday hug to be included - I realized this girl needs to KNOW something.

My background is in Health & Wellness. I frequently get calls and emails from media and public relation firms asking for my expertise with insight, quotes and knowledge. (Unless, of course, this "expertise" is attempted to be gifted to the two young men I'm raising and they look at me like I'm an 8 track tape ;-) But today I decided I have to lean in on my own knowledge of how to sanely (well, with as much sanity as possible) get through this very vague, unprecedented time of  endless "I don't know's".

I KNOW.

One aspect of resilience is Taking Responsibility, controlling what you can control. There's a LOT I cannot control and so much we do not know with what is taking place in the world right now. But what I do know is that if I can find something to connect to daily that I CAN control and be responsible for, my "stress levels will decrease drastically" says the textbooks - which translates to me just simply not feeling so lost and frustrated with this chapter of life.

FIND YOUR ANCHOR.

Starting today, I've pledged to myself to find my anchor daily. My word. My attitude. My assist in making a decision, a chosen action, a dependable reaction. It can and probably will change daily as this situation is changing daily. But if I lean into a word every day, I can control how it will influence my moment, my hour, my day.

BREATHE.

Today's word was breathe. Throughout the stress and pain of what I witnessed during lay off's yesterday, I came home with a tight painful chest. Woke up with the same thing. Coached a workout with it first thing this morning. And began a 1.5 hour run with it. Breathe. Deeper. Longer. Like a wave of water on the beach - breathe. Then magically, somewhere on the trail, I left behind the pain in my chest (not to say my heart and soul are not bearing a fresh wound, but physically, I can breathe ;-)

ANCHOR.

When I came home after my run to another conversation with my son as he wanted assistance in making some "social distancing" decisions - or not - or how he could safely deliver food for his job, I felt the same stress start to rise as the habitual response of "I don't know" started to amplify in my mind. Reset. Anchor in your word. BREATHE. The conversation became lighter, no longer an altercation, but a dialogue of choice, approach and decision - along with a side helping of smiles and giggles as we embraced the fact we were in uncharted territories and were okay with simply agreeing to do our best.

I'm already curious what tomorrow's anchor will be. For once in ten days, I'm already excited to wake up, acknowledge the day and wait to see what word comes to me. Gratitude? Harmony? Curiosity? Peace?

I don't know. But this time, I'm excited about it!