My Turning Day
I'm 50. There. I said it. Can I believe it? No. Do I like the fact? No. Do I have a choice in the fact? No. But you know what, it's not the fact that matters. It's how I choose to respond to it.
I turned 50 on December 2. I had wanted the day to come and go like it never happened. People make 50 such a milestone. I don't know why. Perhaps because our culture has set the precedence that 50 is not a good thing - it's the first chapter of "old". AARP sends you an "induction" letter at 50, for Pete's sake! When those before us turn 50, we have a hard time believing it. But when we turn 50, it's almost unimaginable. And quite honestly, now that I'm a parent, it is hard to imagine how it must feel when our children turn 50. It baffles me, because as many of you have heard me say, "If you died at 50, people would say…Oh, she died so young." So what's up with saying we're so old when we're ALIVE at 50??
For months, the thought of 50 made me lament mortality. I'm getting older, my parents are getting older, my kids are getting older, my friends are getting older, my memories of years gone by are getting older. It made me sad because 50 meant that I, as well as those I love and the memories I have, are closer to the end than the beginning. Periodically throughout the day - ok maybe week or month(s) :-) I even shed a few tears. It would have been hard to explain to anyone "why" other than the fact that...
I LOVE Life so very much.
Not just lower case love. But capital letters, bold face, huge font, shout it from the mountain tops, LOVE life. It's exhilarating, it's intoxicating, it's inspiring, it's so full of cool things to do and so many fun, amazing people! But guess what? That's not all past tense. It's here, it's now, it's current, it's present, and it's in the moment. News flash to my 50 year pity party - LIFE will keep happening after 50 - until God takes me home to what I know will be beyond my wildest dreams above and beyond anything I've ever experienced. So while I'm on this earth, 50 or not, I GET TO keep loving life.
New Memories.
I have such wonderful memories of my first 50 years. There's nothing I would change. As a child, I got to do everything that makes me the outdoor-loving person that I am now. I grew up on the lake and had the opportunity to enjoy a huge neighboring ranch. My dad was great at getting me out on horses, playing ball, skiing, loving outdoors, and being around people. My mom embraced our friends, made our home their home, hauled me around to sports, activities, and events - and taught me how to make the best lakeside grilled cheeses ever (even though Coltyn does not agree ;-) In college, I met Steve, traveled, skied, played, had great friends and LOVED ever minute of every activity we did. My goal in the next 50 years is to create NEW memories, try not to repeat some of the same activities and occurrences I had in the first 50, but create space for new opportunities and experiences. If I want new memories, and most importantly reach higher levels physically, emotionally, and spiritually, I must resist the urge to keep doing the same things over and over!
Soul Mates.
Someone(s) you can bare your soul to. A dear friend, a spouse, a partner that you go below water level with, ask tough questions of, expect tough answers, yet real answers from. I've been blessed with real, raw moments with soul mates throughout my first 50 years. They aren't memorable because they are happy, uplifting, or "pretty", but because they were real, convicted, intentional, translucent. There's something magical that happens when we are raw with one another, baring our soul. Whether its been under a full moon on a park bench; sitting at the kitchen table with the "counseling bottle"; floating in the lake sharing soul; sitting on a hill country hill top with only our soul's speaking, jogging and chatting by the light of sunrise, sitting together over a frothy cup of java, I want my dearest friends/family to dive below water level with me. That's where my soul, my integrity, my character lies. I want them to prod into it, dig into it, expect of it, and raise it. I want more life below water level in the next 50.
Accountability.
Ouch. When I think of the first 50, I don't think accountability was a word I would have chosen to equate with it - with intention. What I know now is that accountability brings "realness", depth, translucence, vulnerability, and growth. All words I probably would not have wanted to equate with relationships in my younger years, but now know that those adjectives are words I WANT to associate with meaningful relationships. I want my husband, family and dear friends to expect great things from me and I want to be convicted to deliver. I want to answer to them for my thoughts, prayers, and actions. And for the next 50 talk about it - in depth - over a good glass of wine or hot latte :-)
Moving at the speed of ~ water….
not the speed of light, but slow moving, easy going… flowing water. I picture the lake in our front yard. I've seen it peacefully flow and I've seen it flying by. When it's flowing, it's controlled, intentional, by design, and with meaning. Flowing through the next 50 will allow me much more purpose and intent. It doesn't mean I always need to have a plan because having no plan, yet flowing with the moment, allows things to happen that can't when life is fast, full, and furious. Yes, I choose to keep a full life, but it does not mean it has to happen fast and furious with a daily design. Flow.
Turning...A New Leaf.
Since Coltyn began talking, he referred to birthdays as "turning days" and birthday parties as "turning parties". Makes sense, right? We refer to birthdays as the day we "turn". I'm going to use Coltyn's terminology to reframe "turning 50" into something similar as turning a new leaf. I reflect on Albert Einstein's quote of insanity: "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." I want to grow as a person. Experience more of life. Do different things. I don't want to repeat the same experiences I had in the first 50 so I can make room for new ones. I'm going to turn over new leaves after 50.
Legacy.
I don't say that with conceit, but purpose. It's no longer about who I am, but how I can touch lives with the gifts that I have. My thumbprint. Passing it forward. The fondness I have of life are the experiences I've had and will continue to have in life and they are not meant for me alone. I want to now share what I love about life. I've been nudged many times through life to move forward for others.
At age 36 I heard a quote that was the catalyst to thinking beyond myself and decide to suck it up and have kids: "You have not lived until you give your life to another." This quote is now one I use daily as I think of what can be done to touch another life.
Similarly, when a friend passed very unexpectedly many years ago, the words of Nichole Nordeman's song, Legacy, haunted my soul. However, instead of ending my life with these words, I want to live my life with them as I move forward through the next 50.
So just like the cup is not half empty, 50 does not mean it is half over. There's a LOT of living yet to be had: heart and soul kitchen table conversations to be shared; early morning ski rides with Steve that take us only 30 minutes, but leave an all day mark plus a smile on our faces; pulling into the beach with friends after sunset on our SUPs, knowing we pushed some daylight boundaries; sunrise runs, not alone, but with friends; sweaty chats over coffee at The Bean; laughing at surfing antics with the boys; sculling to Zac Brown, alone, slipping through the waters, listening to Uncaged:
Gonna drift to the great wide open
Gonna set my spirit free
Won't stop until I reach the ocean
Gonna break these chains holding me Uncaged!
Gonna swim in the coldest river
Gonna drink from a mountain spring
Defend the land of the great wide open Gonna let the water roll all over
Me. Uncaged!
I wanna swim in the sunshine.
Every day find a way to face my fears. Oooohhh!
I wanna get in the wind,
Gonna take every chance I'm given Feel the wind through the open plains
Freedom is a gift worth living Go chase that sunset highway down You got to
Get uncaged!
Yes, I GET TO live another 50….Uncaged.
I turned 50 on December 2. I had wanted the day to come and go like it never happened. People make 50 such a milestone. I don't know why. Perhaps because our culture has set the precedence that 50 is not a good thing - it's the first chapter of "old". AARP sends you an "induction" letter at 50, for Pete's sake! When those before us turn 50, we have a hard time believing it. But when we turn 50, it's almost unimaginable. And quite honestly, now that I'm a parent, it is hard to imagine how it must feel when our children turn 50. It baffles me, because as many of you have heard me say, "If you died at 50, people would say…Oh, she died so young." So what's up with saying we're so old when we're ALIVE at 50??
For months, the thought of 50 made me lament mortality. I'm getting older, my parents are getting older, my kids are getting older, my friends are getting older, my memories of years gone by are getting older. It made me sad because 50 meant that I, as well as those I love and the memories I have, are closer to the end than the beginning. Periodically throughout the day - ok maybe week or month(s) :-) I even shed a few tears. It would have been hard to explain to anyone "why" other than the fact that...
I LOVE Life so very much.
Not just lower case love. But capital letters, bold face, huge font, shout it from the mountain tops, LOVE life. It's exhilarating, it's intoxicating, it's inspiring, it's so full of cool things to do and so many fun, amazing people! But guess what? That's not all past tense. It's here, it's now, it's current, it's present, and it's in the moment. News flash to my 50 year pity party - LIFE will keep happening after 50 - until God takes me home to what I know will be beyond my wildest dreams above and beyond anything I've ever experienced. So while I'm on this earth, 50 or not, I GET TO keep loving life.
New Memories.
I have such wonderful memories of my first 50 years. There's nothing I would change. As a child, I got to do everything that makes me the outdoor-loving person that I am now. I grew up on the lake and had the opportunity to enjoy a huge neighboring ranch. My dad was great at getting me out on horses, playing ball, skiing, loving outdoors, and being around people. My mom embraced our friends, made our home their home, hauled me around to sports, activities, and events - and taught me how to make the best lakeside grilled cheeses ever (even though Coltyn does not agree ;-) In college, I met Steve, traveled, skied, played, had great friends and LOVED ever minute of every activity we did. My goal in the next 50 years is to create NEW memories, try not to repeat some of the same activities and occurrences I had in the first 50, but create space for new opportunities and experiences. If I want new memories, and most importantly reach higher levels physically, emotionally, and spiritually, I must resist the urge to keep doing the same things over and over!
Soul Mates.
Someone(s) you can bare your soul to. A dear friend, a spouse, a partner that you go below water level with, ask tough questions of, expect tough answers, yet real answers from. I've been blessed with real, raw moments with soul mates throughout my first 50 years. They aren't memorable because they are happy, uplifting, or "pretty", but because they were real, convicted, intentional, translucent. There's something magical that happens when we are raw with one another, baring our soul. Whether its been under a full moon on a park bench; sitting at the kitchen table with the "counseling bottle"; floating in the lake sharing soul; sitting on a hill country hill top with only our soul's speaking, jogging and chatting by the light of sunrise, sitting together over a frothy cup of java, I want my dearest friends/family to dive below water level with me. That's where my soul, my integrity, my character lies. I want them to prod into it, dig into it, expect of it, and raise it. I want more life below water level in the next 50.
Accountability.
Ouch. When I think of the first 50, I don't think accountability was a word I would have chosen to equate with it - with intention. What I know now is that accountability brings "realness", depth, translucence, vulnerability, and growth. All words I probably would not have wanted to equate with relationships in my younger years, but now know that those adjectives are words I WANT to associate with meaningful relationships. I want my husband, family and dear friends to expect great things from me and I want to be convicted to deliver. I want to answer to them for my thoughts, prayers, and actions. And for the next 50 talk about it - in depth - over a good glass of wine or hot latte :-)
Moving at the speed of ~ water….
not the speed of light, but slow moving, easy going… flowing water. I picture the lake in our front yard. I've seen it peacefully flow and I've seen it flying by. When it's flowing, it's controlled, intentional, by design, and with meaning. Flowing through the next 50 will allow me much more purpose and intent. It doesn't mean I always need to have a plan because having no plan, yet flowing with the moment, allows things to happen that can't when life is fast, full, and furious. Yes, I choose to keep a full life, but it does not mean it has to happen fast and furious with a daily design. Flow.
Turning...A New Leaf.
Since Coltyn began talking, he referred to birthdays as "turning days" and birthday parties as "turning parties". Makes sense, right? We refer to birthdays as the day we "turn". I'm going to use Coltyn's terminology to reframe "turning 50" into something similar as turning a new leaf. I reflect on Albert Einstein's quote of insanity: "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." I want to grow as a person. Experience more of life. Do different things. I don't want to repeat the same experiences I had in the first 50 so I can make room for new ones. I'm going to turn over new leaves after 50.
Legacy.
I don't say that with conceit, but purpose. It's no longer about who I am, but how I can touch lives with the gifts that I have. My thumbprint. Passing it forward. The fondness I have of life are the experiences I've had and will continue to have in life and they are not meant for me alone. I want to now share what I love about life. I've been nudged many times through life to move forward for others.
At age 36 I heard a quote that was the catalyst to thinking beyond myself and decide to suck it up and have kids: "You have not lived until you give your life to another." This quote is now one I use daily as I think of what can be done to touch another life.
Similarly, when a friend passed very unexpectedly many years ago, the words of Nichole Nordeman's song, Legacy, haunted my soul. However, instead of ending my life with these words, I want to live my life with them as I move forward through the next 50.
I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much
I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy
Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one…
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one…
Legacy, by Nichole Nordeman
So just like the cup is not half empty, 50 does not mean it is half over. There's a LOT of living yet to be had: heart and soul kitchen table conversations to be shared; early morning ski rides with Steve that take us only 30 minutes, but leave an all day mark plus a smile on our faces; pulling into the beach with friends after sunset on our SUPs, knowing we pushed some daylight boundaries; sunrise runs, not alone, but with friends; sweaty chats over coffee at The Bean; laughing at surfing antics with the boys; sculling to Zac Brown, alone, slipping through the waters, listening to Uncaged:
Gonna drift to the great wide open
Gonna set my spirit free
Won't stop until I reach the ocean
Gonna break these chains holding me Uncaged!
Gonna swim in the coldest river
Gonna drink from a mountain spring
Defend the land of the great wide open Gonna let the water roll all over
Me. Uncaged!
I wanna swim in the sunshine.
Every day find a way to face my fears. Oooohhh!
I wanna get in the wind,
Gonna take every chance I'm given Feel the wind through the open plains
Freedom is a gift worth living Go chase that sunset highway down You got to
Get uncaged!
Yes, I GET TO live another 50….Uncaged.
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, with your arms raised to the sky -- WOW-- What a Ride!"Enjoy the Ride!!
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