It's Been Some Time

March 2013
I have coasted for over a year now, struggling with my purpose, finding that perfect postioning that God wants me to be in. I wish God had better signs for us when we are or aren't doing what he has called us to do. Perhaps it would be like a parking sign from God: "Reserved Parking" this is your lane, your place, your role. THIS is where I want you to be, what I am calling for you to do.

People have asked why I haven't blogged in a while. Not sure other than I haven't felt 'on my game'. Sometimes it seems we are supposed to always be searching, raising the bar, striving for more (maybe that is my next entry ;-) not being satisfied with where we are. which is why I think I havnt been 'settled' and mot confident to share and write. But I have thought about my blog often. Enough that I have come back to my blog frequently just to see who I was when I wrote it, how I felt, and what was on my heart a year ago. I read old posts, relived old experiences, and felt stirrings of purpose and passion arise. I even found old drafts of blog entries, like the one I am about to share with you now. It is funny, it has been a year since I wrote it, but it could have been yesterday. :-) (and 'No Show Jen', if you ever come across this entry, it is NOT about you ;-)


January 2012
Show Up.

Every new year, instead of "resolutions", I find a word that resonates with me to apply to what I do, why I do it, and how I do it. "Hope", "Believe", "Focus", "Intent" have been some of the past. However, this year as hard as I tried to "let" something surface for me, no words were coming to me. I was trying - thinking hard, meditating, reading, running (this is where many things land with me), asking myself questions, but nada. Which seemed to be right on course with what I was feeling was a lack of goals or focus for the year.

Last year, before January 1, I was planned out through May. I could tell you what I was doing almost any given hour, why I was doing it and what the overall purpose and intent was. Last year was a fast lane. My word last year was "Relentless". It came to me easily. I don't know if it was the bike wreck, having a dream taken away because of it, or having experienced something and knowing I could do better, but the bar was set and I was going after it. I found myself moving at the speed of light taking down bucket list goals that I hadn't intended on a year ago.

But now what? I kept mentally moving in psycho-circles asking myself what that "grandiose" goal would be this year, then questioning myself "why did there have to be a "grandiose" goal this year," then digging deeper and trying to define what a "grandiose goal was anyway - by whose definition did it ever become grandiose, for pete's sake"?!? I was continually looking down the road trying to decide what I needed to do and/or become in 2012 to grow to higher levels.

Then I read a friend's blog. She was struggling by questioning daily if she was on God's path, fulfilling His goals and expectations for her. Her husband shared with her what a friend told him and those two words settled into my soul and made all the sense in the world to me.

Show Up.

It doesn't have to be grandiose. It doesn't have to be something you're preparing for in the future. It doesn't have to be about big events, big dreams, big perceptions. It can all be about who you are and what you are doing right now. Just Show Up.

Show Up in every moment, in every day and in every thing you do. Don't worry about what you're training for - there doesn't have to even be a "for". Just Show Up daily. Work out like there's no workout tomorrow. Go for a bike ride like there's not going to be another one. Run with the sunlight (or moonlight ;-) shining on your face like it may never shine again. Press that weight or hold that plank like its the only one you will ever do. Show Up. Right here, right now.

Wake up every morning and Show Up at the breakfast table with your kids. Before they leave for the day, Show Up in your conversation about what their day will entail. Look them in the eye and connect with their soul. Show Up.

When your husband leaves the house for the day, Show Up for that goodbye kiss :-) Make it a good one. Tell him he's "Hot" (if you don't, somebody else might!) Kiss him like there is no tomorrow. In fact, I remember my husband telling me that his parents NEVER departed angry because with the line of duty his father was in, they truly never knew if he would come back. And one day he didn't. Show Up before its too late.

Show Up with the people you are blessed to interact with during the day. Be all you can be for them. Give them all you have to give. We all have gifts. Use them. Show Up.

When you wake up at 4:30am to drive to the start line of your next race or prepare for that big presentation, don't get caught up in the stress and jitters. The nerves aren't about you. The nerves are usually about what you think others will think of you. And who cares. Its your ride. Its your journey. Just Show Up and give it what you have to give. Period. Show Up.

Those two little words aren't taking me away from making big goals this year. Instead, they are helping me live more in the moment with fewer pressures about what I'm going to do and how I'm going to do it. Heck, I'm not really even guaranteed a tomorrow. So why fret about it? I just need to Show Up today!