Eye to Eye

To #beresilient today, I'm anchoring in the word

Mirror

The photo is not one, but rather my image on the water this morning. Nature's Mirror, if you will. It's interesting, the silhouette, the reflection, the profile is the same. It doesn't matter if I'm 50 or 20 - it's still the same body, virtually the same shape, the same person. But today when I looked at it, I saw the "other" me. The one that I left behind, quit listening to, gave up on, quite honestly, forgot, after all this time.

It's been years since we disconnected. Frankly, I'm not even sure I could tell you when it happened. Perhaps when there were parts of my life that I was ready to leave behind, to grow away from, use as a foundation and never look back. I didn't intentionally leave "me" behind, I just unconsciously separated and off I grew. But did I really grow? Would I have blossomed more if I had brought her along? Spent a bit more time sitting, wondering, heeding and listening to her?

Mirror.

I don't sit in silence often. I fill my voids. I'll run and bike in silence sometimes, but as a decision because I know the quiet will be filled with ideas, next steps, goals - and ways to fulfill them. But I'm moving, I'm active, breathing hard, foot over foot. Not sitting. Waiting. Embracing. My entire being, mind and soul, is adventuring and moving. Never do I sit deliberately to spend time with myself.

Before this C19 event, both of our boys would frequently get stuck with no social plans and find themselves at home. "I'm bored," they'd repeat frequently. (As an adult, wouldn't you beg to be bored! for a day!) But as children, I always wanted our boys to reframe their mindset and find the positive in their free time, so I'd help them in rewording that phrase to, "I have the gift of time". Funny, for the past three weeks we've been "gifted" greatly, yet I haven't heard the word "bored" once in our household. Even to the point that I brought it up recently with our 17 year old.

"Ya, I know, Mom," he told me thoughtfully one afternoon during our 3pm daily "ritual" of listening to music on the boat dock together. After he pondered for a few moments, he said, "I think boredom must just be a choice. And now, since I do not have a choice but be at home with very little to do, I've not felt bored once." That statement made a stamp on my soul. Who and what was I making the choice to fill my head with? Who was I hanging out with during the times that could actually be a "gift" to my soul? I've realized I needed to start by, as uncomfortable as it sometimes can be, spending at least ten minutes a day with just me.

Mirror.

Resisting the urge to pick up my phone and aimlessly "scroll" through the apps, check email, re-read text messages. Not allowing myself to mindlessly turn on the TV or a playlist. Not filling my car with noise but instead driving in silence when I run an "essential" errand. I even came up with a list of questions to ask, none other than, myself.

In college, one of my major's was Journalism. We spent hour upon hour interviewing, writing questions, doing mock television interviews and delivering news reports. And to this day, it's not uncommon for me to get media queries sent to me with a list of questions regarding health, fitness and/or wellness. I've gotten where I love a good question.

So when I decided to make myself sit down this week and come up with a list of questions that I wanted to ask "me", it was awesome! The University of Texas Moody College of Communication taught me well! They were darn good queries! Until it was also my turn to answer one of them. At first I thought it would feel awkward, but the surprising part was that it wasn't at all difficult to answer. I totally knew the answer - I'd just never taken the time to stop and ask myself the question. After all of these years, I took time to spend with myself.

Mirror.

I don't have the magic position, "the" end all answer, the award-winning comeback. The world is full of opinion, assessment, reaction, conception, and many times, judgement. To get it right with ourselves, the best guide, critic and master we have is actually within ourselves. By "asking" myself a heart to heart question and giving myself the space, both mentally and physically, to field it, "we" heard and "she" eagerly and thoughtfully responded.

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